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The Electrical Project/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ geese honking ] [ ducks quacking ] [ water splashes ] on today's show, buzz sherwood says hello in his own special way... I'm gonna turn a bicycle into an electric-generating station... Trouble on the couch -- explain that later... And I'm gonna show you the in-depth dangers of smoking on the job. The host of the show and the uncle to me, mr. Red green! Wa-a-a! [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. If your, uh, tv picture kind of goes kind of nuts at home there, please don't adjust your set. 'cause it's just the high-tech trickery of the producer/director/nephew, harold. Wa-a-a! [ squish! Squeak! ] [ whistle! ] no. I was referring to another minor inconvenience. The electric system's all out of whack here up at possum lake. Yeah. It's moose thompson's homemade fence, isn't it? His electric homemade fence, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, he didn't insulate it very well, harold. He didn't insulate it at all! It's just a bunch of bare wires running from branch to branch. Every time there's the slightest breeze, a tree explodes. Yeah. Apparently, it's affecting the whole power system, too. Every time moose's dog leaves his mark on a tree, it blows out a circuit breaker in ottawa. So, they've told us, either we disconnect that electric fence or they're gonna cut off our electric power, and we're gonna have to build our own generating station. Wow. Doesn't leave you much choice. Certainly doesn't, so we start working on the generating station tomorrow, I figure. What? Oh, yeah. I hate being pushed around by those public utilities, harold. Now all's we got to decide is whether we're gonna be oil-fired, coal-fired, or build a dam. Well, I figure you'll be all fired, and no one will give a damn. [ laughs ] winston rothschild here of rothschild sewage and septic sucking services reminding you, no reason to blush if your toilet won't flush. Call 1-800-555-suck! [ clothesline squeaking ] ♪ oh, he was a real big dog ♪ ♪ his name was kong ♪ ♪ he must have weighed 300 pounds ♪ ♪ one eye was blue, and the other was gone ♪ ♪ and he tended to do things in mounds ♪ ♪ there wasn't a job that dog couldn't do ♪ ♪ if you gave him the plans, he'd build it ♪ ♪ until he darted across the road one night ♪ ♪ ran over a suzuki sidekick and killed it ♪ [ kazoo plays ] well, you are in the soup now, my son. Goose is cooked. Fox is in the henhouse. You went to your wife's company party. You sat in the corner, rude and acting bored the whole evening. You figured, roomful of jerks, who could blame you? Well, your wife. That's who. You can't slough this one off with, "must have been something I ate." no, you're gonna have to eat some crow and surprise the wife. What you have to do is invite over to your house the most obnoxious couple you met at the company party. Bite the bullet. Restitution. Calm the waters. We're gonna show you a couple of pointers to help ease the pain. Yeah. Do it when it's nice out so you won't be stuck in the house. Yeah. Maybe play horseshoes. That way you're gonna be 30 feet away from them. Don't even have to talk to them. Might even be able to beat them. Or nail them with a horseshoe. [ laughs ] well, acc-- accidental-like. All right. Have a barbecue. That way you can cook their meat blacker than a mole's armpit. Or invite them when the bugs are biting so they might react and swell up and have to rush home early. Worst-case scenario, you're looking at two hours, and they're out of there. Your wife's talking to you again, and your life's back the way you want it. Till the next company party. [ quacking ] well, with everybody trying to think of ways to generate electricity this week, I thought we'd get "handyman corner" into the act with this old bicycle here. Now, these things had a little unit on the back, a little generator that worked by the rotation of the tire here, and the power would go up the wire and around -- around the crossfire. You got to be careful of that. And then would go up into the headlight here. The only problem with these things is that they require a fair amount of speed. You got to be going at a pretty good clip in order to get some light coming out of this thing. So, you'll be riding along at night, and you think you see something up ahead. Could be a brick wall or a train wreck or whatever. You actually have to speed up to see it, and by the time you do, you're going too fast to stop. So, I think the safest thing to do with these units is to take them right off the road and turn them into a stationary power generator/exer-cycle. Now, to do that, you're gonna need a whack of wire like this and a real sturdy saw... Horse. Okay. Now I got the bike generator hooked up to the wire that I showed you. Electricity will go 'round, 'round there, and I got it hooked up to this normal lightbulb, and I'm gonna show you how we can use the bike to generate household electricity. I also got her up on the sawhorse there so the bike won't go anywhere. And the idea is, you just keep pedaling till it's bedtime, and then your lights will go out. Actually, mine may go out long before that. It's not very bright. Hmm. [ buzzing ] all right. Let's try a plan that doesn't involve cardiac care. A lot of people don't know this, but every electric motor can be used as a generator. All's you do is wire it up backwards and then put a magnetic field in there and turn the armature. In layman's terms, that means the old guy rides the bike, and the light goes on. [ grunting ] [ grunting loudly ] [ buzzing ] [ zap! ] well, I'm glad that wasn't the stove. All right, the problem we have now is that we've got so much power, we have to regulate it, and to do that, you're gonna need some vehicle batteries. Now, if you have a problem getting ahold of vehicle batteries, just go over to a mall parking lot with a crowbar and a 9/16 wrench. [ grunts ] all right. Now, using the motor as a generator, I have just pumped up a huge wad of electricity that I'm storing in all these batteries that I have mounted on the handyman's collapsible vertical shelving unit, and now, when I want to use any electricity, like to turn this light on, all I have to do is flick this switch. It's that easy. So, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Let's give it a try. [ buzzing ] [ whirring ] [ zoom! ] well, uh, th-- there's a lesson for you. A generator can also turn back into a motor, and a bicycle can turn into an electric motorcycle. [ crash ] and an electric motorcycle can turn into an outhouse. Hey, buster! Don't get up! Stay tuned. Bill goes riding on one of those waverider things, and harold proves that not everybody should be out in the woods. I want to talk to you middle-aged guys out there now. I know this may be a little hard to take, but I got to say it anyway. When you get to be as old as we are, and I know it's hot outside, but you got to stop going topless. Please, for god's sakes, wear a t-shirt at all times. Yeah, I know. 20 years ago, I didn't look so bad either in nothing but shorts and a pair of running shoes, but even I'm giving my neighbors a break now. I mean, we used to look like hard washboards. Now we look like sea cows. Some of us have breasts and are scaring the kids and confusing the babies. And that's a lot of hair to look at. Strange clumps on the back and on the side, coming out the nose and the ears, and none on the head. It's like your skin got too tired to hold your hair up that high. So wear a shirt, okay? 'cause when a shirt flaps and wrinkles in the breeze, it doesn't look too bad. When skin does that, that is not pretty. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ rattling ] well, the possum lodge power plant's all set to go online. We're gonna be totally self-reliant. Oh, in terms of electricity. Our wives still have to dress us in the morning, you know. You guys built a power dam that quickly, huh? No. We gave up on that one, harold. Beavers can make dams. We had a real problem with it. Oh, d-did you use big enough trees? You know, 'cause beavers use pretty big trees. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we used huge trees. In fact, old man sedgwick even chewed a couple down, you know, until his dentures wedged into a birch bark there, yeah. I'll tell you, there is nothing so odd-looking as a tree with a big toothy grin. [ laughs ] all right. I stand corrected. And, uh, you know, then we -- then we thought of using the solar-powered lights, like buster hadfield has. Oh, you mean the holes in his roof? Yeah, yeah. But junior singleton had a great idea. He's got some cars around the back of his house, like we all do, and we went around there, took out the alternators, okay? 'cause every alternator gives you 12 volts. So, you get 10 of them in a row, there's your 120. What are you gonna use to power the alternators? Well, electric motors. He took the starting motors out of the same cars, so you got the starting motor to the alternator. That's how that works. What are you gonna use to power the power motors? The alternators, harold! Yeah, I know. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fine. What are you gonna -- like, if you have that -- okay, no. Never mind. Okay, good. Yeah, yeah. Just -- just let me know if it works. Wa-a-a! Well, why shouldn't it work? [ buzzing ] okay, okay. Sounds like the whole system's all set to come online here, harold. Here we go! [ whoosh! ] [ crack! ] everything you're watching is for sale. Aunt bernice showed me a picture of you when you were a teenager. You were with your first studebaker. You were much thinner then. Well, that's an optical "collusion," harold. Cars were a lot bigger in those days. No, no. You were majorly thin. You were, like, normal size. Actually, I no-- I noticed a lot of the guys up here at the lodge are on that beefy, hefty, you know... Corpulent side. Well, that's a metabolism thing, harold. You know, as you get older, you don't need as much food to maintain the same body weight. Well, that's not gonna happen to me. I'm gonna stay in shape. What? That shape there? Yes. Well, I-I guess you get a bit of exercise running away from girls, bullies, dogs. Dogs. A lot of dogs. That, with any luck, may maintain right through your adult life there. Well, I think, by the time you're my age, you'll be going around 400 pounds and lying in a hammock somewhere with your arm wrapped around an oxygen tank. Ha! Not gonna be me, 'cause I'm gonna watch my weight, I'm gonna eat right, and I'm gonna stay in shape. Well, you better start now, harold. Aw, come on, please. I just want to take five. Well, all right. You want to grow up looking like me. I'll take it. I'll take it. Thanks very much. Oh! Wind's coming up, harold. Just burn the whole thing? Yeah. [ squish! ] with a bunch of us on the brink of generating our own electricity up here, I thought it'd be a good time to talk about the opportunities of the north, and what better guy to talk to than winston rothschild of rothschild sewage and septic sucking services? Where our motto is "no job too humble, no customer too stuck up." that's a dandy. Winston, I think maybe a lot of our urban viewers are thinking about moving up here and starting over. Oh, yeah. You know, that reminds me a lot of my dad, eh? He was forever, you know, starting over and moving up. Uh-huh. You know, for instance, I got 12 stepbrothers, 9 stepmoms, and 3 step-friends. Yeah. His motto always was, "the grass is always greener on the other side of the door." oh, I just about forgot. You know what happened? No. I haven't told you this yet, have I? What? No. Well, some pinhead stole the alternator and starter out of the honeywagon. Can you believe that? People are scum, you know? Oh, they are. Yeah, they are. You know what else, is the people from the city, they think we're technologically behind the times up here. Oh, well, that's your "inflammation" superhighway there. I got a computer for my operation. Oh, yeah? Which operation -- the gall bladder or the...You know? No, no, no, no, no. My sewage business. Oh. Oh, yeah. Come on and see it. All right. You know something, red? I got my entire life on one of these. It's what they call a "flabby" disk, eh? Yeah. Let me show you how it works, 'cause it's really exciting. Okay. You plug it in, and then you push a couple of buttons on the machine. And you see that? Yeah. That's all the people whose tanks I've sucked. Wow. Right. And then you push a couple more buttons. You see that? Uh-huh. That's all the people whose tanks need sucking. Yeah. I can see that. Yeah. And then you can get into your bookkeeping. See? There's accounts "deceivable" and so on. Uh-huh. Wow. So, it's really streamlined the operation, eh? Yeah. It's made it more hands-on. Is that a good idea in this line of work, do you think? Oh, yeah, absolutely. So, listen. If you're thinking of coming out here, don't worry about it, 'cause you can use the same tools you would in a real urban center, eh? Boy, when I think of how my life would be without the computer and the modem and the cellphone and the fax, well, geez, I'd just be another guy with an odd-smelling truck. [ explosion ] red: Well, bill's got a new toy today on "adventures with bill." it's one of these waverider things, and this thing's here called a kill switch. What this does, it clips in here, and then the -- you know, it would actually start for you, and once you got it running, and say you fall off or something, then this thing springs out, and it stops. Bill's -- bill's real proud of that kill-switch unit and the springiness of it and so on. Waa! [ splash ] maybe a little less proud of it now than he was. What do you mean, "no problem"? Well, you're not gonna go out there without the -- what are you doing? Oh, my gosh. [ sproing! ] that's -- oh, that's the ignition wires, bill. What are you -- oh, he's gonna by-- this is -- this is clever. [ zap! ] yeah. Yeah, that's how that works. And right near the water. That's real smart. [ zap! ] oh! What -- what did you expect would happen, bill? All right. I got to go save him. Luckily, I keep the boat running at all times. Naylor, naylor. Beautiful. Runs like it was brand-new. And out I go, and -- hang on, bill. I'm coming. I think if I can get the boat hook there and hook it down in between the wires, pull the wires apart, and that'll kill the motor and just it'll get the -- hold still, bill. Hold still. I gotcha, I gotcha, I gotcha. Oh, my gosh. I got him. Oh, sorry, bill. Then I get the wires and hook them there. Yeah. There we go. There we go. And then I hook that hook on there. But unfortunately, it's stopped now, so it pulls me right out of my seat over the back. Oh, my god. Oh, that water is so cold. Oh, my gosh. Now the boat's going, full-throttle, no driver. Interesting. Help, bill, help. Bill has taken the ambulance course where they teach you how to save somebody's hat. Thank you, bill. You know, there's a time for humor, and there's a time for bill. The time for bill is not gonna be during my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh-oh! Oh, the boat's heading right towards -- bill, bill, we got to go, got to go, got to go! [ crash ] stay tuned for dougie and dalton in a discussion you won't want to miss, and buzz sherwood shows you why he came in last on the debating team. Well, the possum lodge power plant is really going online this time. You guys fixed all those alternators and electric motors? Oh, harold, that idea couldn't work. Any idiot knows that. No, no, no. We've decided to switch over to nuclear power. I'm sorry? Yeah. Good, old-fashioned, clean, safe nuclear power. Got ourselves a "can-do" reactor, harold. A candu reactor? You mean a real canadian deuterium heavy-water fission reactor? No, no, no. This is just a reactor built by a bunch of can-do guys. Oh. Junior singleton got all the plans out of a book his son had called "the how and why big book of electricity." the only tough part was finding the radioactive fuel. So, what we did was, we scraped all of the radium off those glow-in-the-dark watches. I'll tell you, harold, where else but at possum lodge could you do something this great, huh? Chernobyl springs to mind. [ airplane sputtering ] now, here we are with our resident bush pilot, buzz sherwood. How you doing today, buzz? Hey, red! Whoo! Harold! [ grunts ] [ laughs ] uh, buzz, I was hoping today you could teach us how to land a plane on the water. No can do, red. Not today. Today I'm gonna lead the people, and we are going to protest the nuclear power plant. Well, I think you should wait till there's something worth protesting, don't you? Hey, hey. You can't deny me my freedom of speech here, man. You know, protesting nuclear power plants is what formed this country. Buzz, you got to stop reading history books written by joan baez. Oh, come on, man! It'll be great to get out there and March again and chant and protest, and you start thinking, "I'm making a difference!" and all along, you know, you start thinking, "well, no. "it's a total waste of time, and I'm useless, but I might meet some like-minded women." but you got to wait till after the arrests. That's when they're more receptive. Nobody around here wants to get arrested, all right? Oh, they've just forgotten how much fun it can be, red. That's why I've started my civil-disobedience refresher course. I call it riot 101. Look at this. First thing you got to get is your signs, right? Here, you take that one. Now, uh, I've adapted this, of course, to our current political situation, but, uh, I think they still work. You know, red, if you feel it in your heart, you got to live it in your life. What do you think? Well, I think making them out of combustible materials was a good plan. And do you know why? 'cause television loves a good fire. And you know what else television likes? You got to talk in those sound bites, right? So it goes like this. You go, "it's a disaster waiting to happen!" that's a good one. Or "would you raise your children next to that?" I like that one. Or there's this one. "you shut up!" "no, you shut up!" "shut up! "you're a liar!" "shut up! "no, you shut up!" no, you shut up! This is the '90s. Nobody cares about anything anymore. That's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to protest apathy. I'm gonna rid the world of apathy. And when are you gonna do that? What's it to you? That's true. [ chain saw buzzing ] joining my uncle red on "the experts" portion of the show this week is mr. Dougie franklin and mr. Dalton humphrey. [ applause ] harold, harold, read this one. No. I got a letter way more better -- way more better. This is great. Okay. Wa-a-a! "dear experts..." wa-a-a! "...Should gay people be allowed to serve in the military?" oh, oh, oh! Oh! Harold, I wanted you to read this from this guy here. He wants to know what's the best kind of sandwich -- peanut butter and banana or corned beef and cheese spread? No, no, you see? Because this is ratings week, uncle red. We got to be controversial. We got to hit those hot topics, you know. The biz. [ laughs ] all right. We'll answer it. Dougie? Dalton? Well, to be honest, red, I'd sort of prepared a little bit to go with that peanut butter and banana business. Oh, sure. I-I was pushing the corned beef and cheese spread. I don't really have much of an opinion on gays in the military. You do now. Okay. Uh, all right. Let's go back to the ancient greeks, who had a lot of gay soldiers. They were a pretty impressive military machine. You know, they would run a marathon. They'd have plenty of strength left to fight a big battle, because they ate a lot of red meat and dairy products, like corned beef and processed cheese. Wait a second. Wait a second. Your normal people, I believe, much prefer the delicious combination of peanut butter and banana. I believe your perverts are into your corned beef and cheese business, which, to me, is just totally unnatural. Corned beef and -- and -- and cheese spread is just as normal as peanut butter and bananas. It's a matter of personal choice! Well, all I'm saying is, should your corned beef and cheese types be allowed to mingle with, you know, your peanut butter and banana people? My answer to that question is, no, sir, they should not, because it will lower morale and it's just a matter of time before somebody's gonna get their crusts cut off. There are plenty of gays already in the military, and it's just as natural as rye bread with a pickle on the side. Fine, fine. All I'm saying is, hold the pickle. All right, all right. Harold, this has gotten completely out of control. Well, it's at a stalemate, uncle red. You have to break the tie. All right. Actually, I'm kind of hungry with all this. I'll tell you what. I'll give you an opinion right after I make myself a sandwich. What kind? What kind? Ham. Straight ham. [ crackling ] [ coughing ] are you okay? Don't ever stand near a nuclear reactor -- or, in fact, any tall metal device -- during a severe thunderstorm. You got hit by lightning? Oh, man. Nuclear reactor got nuked, harold. So we're back to buying our power from the utilities again. What about that electric fence all around moose thompson's house to keep the trespassers out? Oh, good news there. It shorted out again. Burnt moose's house to the ground. So, all's well that ends well. [ screeching ] oh, okay. It's meeting time, uncle red. Yeah. You go ahead, harold. I'm gonna get cleaned up. I'll be down soon. Okay, yeah. And if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I'm kind of in the mood to get grounded, if you know what I mean. And to the rest of you, thanks so much for watching, and, until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching continues ] [ indistinct conversations ] okay. All rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Red: Sit down, guys. All right, harold. Presentation's made by the insurance people. To find out more about possum lodge merchandise, call 1-800-ypossum or check out harold's home page on the internet, www.Redgreen.Com.